Mary! Mary!
1977, TVX Ltd. 2004 re-release

Starring: Constance Money, Sharon Thorpe, John Leslie, Jon Martin, Ken Scudder, Kristine Heller, Sandy Pinney, Tyler Reynolds.
Click On Thumbnail To View Large Insert
There's a common saying that goes, "they don't make 'em like they used to." I guess that's why TVX has decided it's time to raid their vaults and re-release some of their older adult titles. You know, the ones they apparently don't make 'em like, anymore. The nice thing about this strategy is, when you want to know whether a movie was good or not, all you have to do is read what the critics had to say on the re-release jacket. Things like, "Ranks among the best explicit movies of the year!" or "the hottest and most erotically arousing film ever made!" With claims like that, how can you go wrong? Of course, the real question is, can a couple of 21st century twenty-something's get turned on by 30-year-old porn? We decided to find that out, and while we're at it, answer such pressing questions as, just what is it that makes Constance Money so damned bitchin'? What does 100% turn on power feel like? And, ultimately, what is it that makes Mary! Mary! such a "collector's treasure"?

He: It looks like Jaws but with more light.
She: Refreshing! Not the swimming pool, though I bet that'd be nice...
He: What then?
She: Oh, I was talking about the pubic hair. Look at all that pubic hair. Oh wait... at some point it gets to be too much.
He: (in awe)That's a lot of hair.
She: You're too young to remember when women had pubes. Oh, this is too much. That camera is swimming at her crotch. I can see butt hair!
He: The leg spreading is dumb, but good crotch shot.
She: It's not leg spreading, she's trying to swim with a cameraman up her cunt.
He: Oh God! What is that?
She: I dunno, it's like a giant grey penis...
He: No it's a plastic shark.
She: Huh...
He: He's going down on her under the water!
She: What do you think the difficulty level is on something like that?
He: I think it depends how long he stays down there.
She: Well he's back up now. Must be a smoker.
He: Well he was down there longer than she was. Did you see that pathetic attempt at an underwater blow job?
She: Have you ever had a cock crammed down your throat so far you gagged, under water?
He: NO!
She: It's harder than it looks. And now they're fucking... and... oh it's over, already...
He: She looks pissed.
She: Did you see that blur across the screen?
He: No, I was looking at her tits. Whoa, who is that guy?
She: Is he disco dancing? Oh, he's talking...
He: Can you understand him?
She: I think it's the devil, he's gonna buy that guy's soul...
He: Just so he won't cum so fast. What a bitch!
She: I think the devil is doing Tai Chi...
He: Aw, man, don't let her smear that anonymous stuff all over your dick. Are you stupid? What a bitch!
She: Oh and they're fucking again. He has good form, lots of pumping in and out with his ass and leg muscles.
He: How else can you do it?
She: There are men that just bob their heads. Completely wrong part of the anatomy and they are oblivious to it.
He: What are they doing, now? She said "cum inside me." He just came all over her belly...
She: ...and her boobs.
He: We missed something.
She: He's jerking off in the office. This is where he gets caught by the secretary...
He: There she is!
She: Ouch, he just slammed her head into the desk!
He: Look, he's making fucked up faces like real people. This film definitely gets points for realistic facial expressions.
She: And for this blow job. She's gagging and slobbering. Very retro.
He: Who's that?
She: I dunno, a friend maybe...
He: He just walked in the office.
She: Maybe he'll get in on the action... oh, wait, he's leaving...
He: Facial! Now wait, who is this?
She: That's the chick from the pool.
He: How do you remember that?
She: I watch porn for the plot and character developments. I think she's shopping for an outfit for the upcoming orgy scene.
He: There's an orgy scene?
She: There's always an orgy scene.
He: Ew, are they trying to kiss?
She: It's like fish. Look their mouths never touch. This is gross.
He: Two chicks are eating each other out. I should be hard, but this is not turning me on.
She: Who is that guy? Is he trying to steal the birdcage?
He: Why are there pigeons? That's all I can hear, pigeons...
She: I think they're doves, baby.
He: No, dude, don't go in there it's a frenzy of fish kissing women with tendrils of attack pubes!
She: Yeah, but this is where they gang up on him. See how he's stuttering?
He: Oh, she's letting him fuck her ass...
She: Technically, he's being held captive on the floor. She's fucking his dick with her ass.
He: The sound is awful, you can't hear the people over the birds. This has the worst voice over ever. Their mouths aren't even moving.
She: Yeah but that's to be expected. They even had that in 90's porn.
He: Oh, thank God that's over... now what? What are they doing?
She: That's the swimming crotch girl's boyfriend.
He: Who is he with?
She: That's his secretary from under the desk. He's going to meet her sister and get laid more.
He: They're sisters?
She: Yup.
He: Isn't that incest?
She: Yup. I think it's great that in the seventies they addressed taboos like this one. Because this isn't just about every guy's fantasy of screwing sisters it's about society's...
He: It's porn, and we're missing it!
She: Sorry.
He: How many people has he fucked so far in this movie? The girlfriend twice, the secretary twice and the sister once...
He: Oh, romantic dinner. What is that? A Pigs foot?
She: (gags) They're making out on a pig foot?
He: Did he just rub a slab of meat over her ass?
She (gags)
He: Did she just rub it between her legs?
She: This is gross, Oh no they didn't...!
He: Oh God, I can't watch...
She: She's taking turns alternately sucking the hunk of beef and the guys hunk of meat!
He: Is she biting?
She: It looked like biting.
He: It's... greasy. She needs to put the meat down. NOW! They're still chewing on that thing, even while they're fucking!
She: It's a rib!
He: It's still fucked up.
She And there he is again, that Tai Chi disco devil guy.
He: He creeps me out.
She: Now is the set up to the orgy.
He: What is that?
She: It's a cop talking in his car, but there's no one there.
He: Uh huh...
She: Oh, the other cop is giving him head.
He: I'm still grossed out about the meat, babe.
She: it'll be over soon.
He: I think they're gonna get pulled over by those cops.
She: I wonder if they'll invite them to the orgy?
He: Car Chase! No, this film isn't geared at all to the male audience...
She: Fine.
He: Oh and the car chase even includes the requisite knocking over of trash cans.
She: And don't forget they knocked off the door of the police car, right after the cop came in the other cop's face.
He: The devil is at the orgy! Look at that guy play bongos, completely wrong. His hands are flat. He isn't using his fingers at all...
She: And the devil is still doing Tai Chi...
He: Who is that crazy guy with the sound effects?
She: I dunno, I guess he's just there for the orgy.
He: That crazy bitch put that devil penis jelly into the penis shaped desert, Is she selling all of their souls now? It looks gross.
She: I think it's supposed to look like ambrosia...
He: It's still gross.
She: Now they're all fucking. I like the crazy sound effect guy. He has great hair.
He: That guy has a butt tuft. It's a distracting butt tuft.
She: Why is everyone leaving?
He: I dunno, it's just the two guys and the four girls now. Butt tuft guy, his girlfriend, his friend, the secretary, her sister and the fish-kissing lady from the bird infested dress shop.
She: Way to keep track of the characters... The devil guy is still dancing around them in his red corduroys.
He: Oh, what happened?
She: I think she's dead.
He: From fucking?
She: I think so...
He: And she's dead... and the friend guy...
She: Shit they're dropping off like flies!
He: That Money chick isn't dead yet. Why is the devil guy taking her?
She: Is that it?
She: This was a depressing porn. Like, everyone died and I don't get it...
She: Let's go have sex right now and I'll type this review up later...
He: But it was fucked up...
She: it was just porn. Should we add it to our collector's treasury?
He: Whatever...
--darling ry and kraken, the boy toy

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mary, Mary

A gem of the classic ages of porn: the 80's - Constantine Money is "right on the money". Money who starred in Radley Metzger (aka Henry Paris) movies is a beauty not to be missed. If you are a fan of pubic hair the films of this aera are for you. You can see lovely bushes. There are nice underwater scenes right in the beginning, girl-on-girl action and an orgy-scene that is shot in nearly psychedelic lighting. What I like most is that the 80's porn movies where still shot on film and not video which gives the picture the better quality in color
Submitted by Tom in Philly, PA, USA

 

Information Request Form

Select the items that apply, and then let us know how to contact you.

Send product literature
Send company literature
Have a salesperson contact me